“Love All Round”… By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of ’72

A participant in their Survivor Study….

March 30, 2023.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

When FB gives us our memories….

March 14, 2023.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

When FB gives us our memories, it allows us to step back into our lives like visitors. I have stared at these photos a lot today. I was being administered what the nurses call the red devil. They have to wear hazmat suits as the potion will burn their skin. It changes one’s DNA. It’s what you get when you’re in cancer trouble before surgery or radiation. It looks odd for me to see myself with breasts.

This month has been awful in the realm of my cancer friends. Died, dying, and diagnosed. I want to crawl into their bodies and take it for them. What I’m coming to know is that cancer treatment is an alone thing. Loving and helping the cancer patient is terrific, but it’s a one-on-one relationship, you and it. I’m not leaving God out of this; it’s where one gets strength and resolve.

I also didn’t realize it then, but I looked awful. My husband never let on to that fact. Looking at myself here, I feel sadness but also pride for the smile.

I love you all,Gail.

hearing something while seeing something and can’t put it all together

February 15, 2023.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Have you ever had the experience of hearing something while seeing something and can’t put it all together? That was my experience while spreading mulch under a tree, hearing a roar, and looking up!

These are honey bees! I contacted a local beekeeper who will come and take them with him.

I was amazed and scared silly. Photos by Kelsey McNutt, who has no fear.

Love you all, Gail.

I did make it to see Ceton.

February 1, 2023.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

I did make it to see Ceton. With her permission, I took these photos. Even in the end, she is beautiful.

I have yet to process all of it. Horrible, beautiful, talk of serious things and funny ones.

Today, with me, she accepted Jesus as her personal savior. She believes in him fully. She is ready. She is afraid that “when processed,”

God might not take her. I told her that accepting Jesus and asking for forgiveness was her ticket ” home “.

Ceton expressed that she wants to be free and hopes to be in heaven with animals. She wondered how she would get food there. I told her that my belief is that hunger, thirst, and pain are part of this world.

Every time we ended a telephone call or a visit, she would say, friends forever. Yes, Ceton forever.

I read all of your posts to her and told her that she is a celebrity. Finally, she said!

Tomorrow maybe her transition day.

I left her, walked to Alan’s truck, and threw up for a long time.

Love you all, Gail.

Sweet Marie….

December 12, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Sweet Marie (an expression in the Nutt house), what a perfect birthday. Mom started me off with a song ( a solo), then Kelsey with coffee next a secret smooch ( our new norm here) by Alan.

Church ( so sweet), a show at the Rudy theater with church family, home for Carvel cake and presents galore.

But the best was all the love from you all. I sat by myself and read each one, conjuring a hug to you from me. Thank you for loving a kook like me.

Now a story:
When I arrived at church ( Elizabeth’s UMC) my car was parked at an angle. From that vantage point, I could see a large banner above the double doors that read:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Wow, how did they know? Maureen White Hoxie must have arranged it. ( my church friend). When I turned the corner, I could see another word: JESUS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS
Ha Ha, I’m a fool.

A huge amount of bubble wrap to protect me…..

November 19, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

I am laughing so hard, I can’t even stand up straight!

I was just handed a very light, but big, package from UPS addressed to me.

A huge amount of bubble wrap to protect me.

Who will take credit for sending it to me??!

I fell through the ceiling……

November 15, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

So yesterday, I spent the day at the Wake Med Hospital trauma center and arrived via ambulance.

While in the attic gathering up Thanksgiving decorations, I fell through the ceiling.

I held on with one arm and leg on the beam for about 15 minutes while screaming to Mom to help me as Alan was in the backyard.

Poor Mom trying to come to where I was.

I finally fell through, landing partly on Mom’s bed and partly on the dresser and lamp.

At the hospital, they were forced to saw off my rings. Then so many tests to determine that I was very lucky. Only bruises and sprains and pain!

Holy heck, I’m in pain, but home.

Thank you, God for no broken anything except my rings.

I love you all and feel very foolish.

So appreciative, Lord….

June 30, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Morning has broken. So Kelsey and I spent hours at the urgent care. Yup, another kidney stone even after regular visits to the urologist and diet changes. Today she will need to miss a trip to Kings Dominion with her nephews.

I was feeling heavy with worry as Cody woke me up.

I stepped outside and was greeted with the excitement of newly bursting with colors flowers.

So appreciative, Lord.

Alan canceled his fishing plans to stay home with Kelsey and I’m off to pick up Megan, Kallen and Nolan and go to Kings Dominion with a grateful heart.

Love you all, Gail

Love you all, Gail.

Out from under the covid rock…

June 11, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Yesterday I crawled out from under the covid rock that had me trapped for about 10 days.

I am now so behind in “life.” I’m feeling a bit depressed. So I put my feelings down on a written list to get them out of my head. In random order.

I missed my annual trip to Denver where everything was a go. Andi and Mark took off work, arranged my trip, and made reservations with the hotel and mutual friends. Plus no furry grandkids or Andi’s cooking.

I missed Kallen’s graduation from middle school into high school.

Poor Cody, I’m told, was sad and looking for me to come out and play/walk with him.

I was so much sicker than my family members who were also infected. I understand that the culprit was leftover deficiencies from cancer. This covid was the 1st illness that I couldn’t will myself better. Scary to Alan and Kelsey.

I am ridiculously behind in work.

I was unable to return calls to my beloved Evie Fuson or zoom with Evie Fuson and Diane Miller-Magnani.

Okay, got all that?! My mother had many sayings but I am reminded of this one for today.

If you feel sad/depressed/angry, live it hard, and give into it for 1 day. Then no more,

So tomorrow I will post all the joy that I am sure to spot.

Love you all, Gail.

Grades in, all A’s!…

May 9, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

As you know Kelsey leaves me notes to find when I awake., which is routinely 6 AM.

Today’s notes: Grades in, all As!

How is that possible? While the teachers at ECU did give Kelsey an additional week to complete finals and projects due to her multiple surgeries, no other concessions were forthcoming. I mean finals are finals-strictly numbers. I’ve been preparing her to be okay with Cs, sweet baby Jesus. She knew better and told me that.

Since age 3 there have been many “labels” placed on her, but many were missed. Persistence, self-awareness, high intelligence, confidence, and little fear to challenge. On one of these last finals, she got 4 answers incorrect. She politely challenged those questions and had 2 “wrong” answers overturned.

Of course, I recognize that she, Kelsey, did this. Yet her journey to get to this point could have gone so very very differently. Elementary school was a nightmare for her and us. Not by any real fault of the school, it just was. Then middle school and high school under Principal Beth Haneman-Rooks changed the trajectory. She offered a hybrid solution. Classrooms and independent study in a quiet room. Give her the work and set her free.

So here we are at a great college, ECU, on her way to becoming an art teacher with all the labels stripped.

This should conclude my months of FB posts about Kelsey! No school, no job, for the summer. Just healing and art.

Love you all, Gail.

Remembering a most peaceful time in my life…

March 25, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

In 2001 Alan and I acquired a yellow lab pup named Max and moved from Springfield VA to Hatteras Island, specifically Frisco. We had a spanking new double-wide home delivered and settled in at the end of a small cul-de-sac.

Not realizing it at the time, we hit the jackpot when it came to our neighbors, Rene Stoffel, Pam Stoffel, Belinda L. Thomas, Tracy Bigley, Gary Kierney, and Kelly Keys Wilson. We lived there for 2 years before moving into our rental house and then onto our beautiful home built by Alan. Our life was a dream come true for all of those almost 20 years.

Yet what I felt in our trailer surrounded by those neighbors was the happiest and most peaceful time in my life.

Skip ahead to last night, the first in our new home in Middlesex, NC. Isolated, no close neighbors, land. So remote that there isn’t even a trash pickup! (that was a surprise)

I’m older, yes, but the same core person. I had such a strong emotion sitting alone in my bed-and realized it was what I remember from living in Frisco in 2001. Safe, protected, happy. I am not so arrogant as to know what the Holy Spirit would feel like, but maybe like this? Could I hope? To feel all filled up? Body humming? That was me last night.

I felt home.

Love you all, Gail.

Random events from the last few days…  March 19, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Random events from the last few days in the life of the McNutt’s! SO, we own a home that I have always dreamed of. These 1st 2 photos were taken from my rocking chair on our front porch in Middlesex. Quiet, serene, ALOT to mow.

I have a wide variety of very cool friends, My hippy, super-smart buddy from Hatteras (she does not want recognition) decided that our current home had very bad juju such as stink-bugs in my eye, Alan falling into a ditch, and a 22-year-old with a diseased gallbladder.

So, she sent me white sage to light and put in all of the corners of our new house, plus circle around all the members of said home, including Cody. That should make for a historic video.

My beloved Buddha from Sharin Melton has found its forever home in Middlesex.

Kelsey, deciding for a change in order to boost her morale, got 7 inches cut off her beautiful hair and loves it. It’s not the 10 inches recently removed from Sophie -daughter of April Bodiford yet still substantial!

And finally, a card from Linda Sue Boehmer moving from when received in Garner to our new window sill in Middlesex.

Love you all, Gail.

1st day out of quarantine!…

February 10, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

This morning was my 1st day out of quarantine! So I was up and out the door early. Initially I just sat in my frozen car, so ecstatic to be free. Similar to a teenager with their new license.

Next, I drove to McDonald’s for not 1, but 2, cups of coffee. On to the library to return my way overdue ?. No fines,they said!

On the phone with Samantha, my hairdresser, I pleaded for an appointment. Inspired by Jennifer Roy Meekins morning videos I asked ” for a change.”

So here I am, changed and exhausted after my day of renewal.

You likey?

“Your loan has been approved!”

January 28, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

The best words to read when trying to secure your dream home. “Your loan has been approved!”

Thank you to Mandy Moore from Southern Trust for your excellent rate and kind customer service.

Thank you to our real estate agent Cindy Hill for putting up with us.

And a retro thank you to Sylvia Mattingly for selling our Frisco home and for being our forever friend.

And to real estate extraordinaire Megan Wilt for coaching us on how to win the contract above 7 other offers.

We surrounded ourselves with confident, no-nonsense women who got the job done!

“Just kidding. They like me as I am.!”January 17, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Since January 11th until tomorrow I should have been in Sedona Arizona with my two (Class of ’72) besties.

We canceled due to the covid brat. That’s the sad news. The happy news is that we WILL go there soon. Just postponed but not canceled!

That gave me more time to get skinny, buy more clothes, save up more money, get my nails done and jazz up my hair.

Just kidding. They like me as I am.

Here’s to 2022….

January 7, 2022.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

God has been a real character to me lately and it has to do with money. This is 100% exactly as these 2 events occurred with no exaggeration added to increase your interest!

Event #1
Around the time of my birthday, Kelsey and I were leaving to bring a church friend some money to help with their Christmas. Before we left I asked Kelsey to grab the mail as I was excited at the thought of birthday cards.

While driving I remarked to Kelsey that I wished we had more money to offer, even $50 more would feel good. Yup, Kelsey opened a birthday card for me. Enclosed was a $50.00 bill. We passed it on.

Event #2–this blew my mind.
Last Sunday before church I wrote out my donation check. It needed to be for 3 weeks as I had not been in church due to travel.

Okay, I shorted the check by $10 as I spent too much at Christmas.

I was feeling a bit bad about that. I walked into my bathroom to take a shower. No one else was awake in the house. The PJS that I had on when I walked into the bathroom did not have pockets where anything could have fallen out. I left the bathroom. Outside the door, on the floor, was a $10.00 bill. I cried.

God always amazes me, but not usually in such a tangible way.

Here’s to 2022.

SHS class of 1972 thoughts?…

November 20, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

My momma and I would always hang our laundry on an outside clothesline at 84 Lincoln Avenue. We began to notice that someone was stealing some of the laundry. This went on and on.

Then came the realization that only my underwear were being taken. The thief would have needed to hop our fence. The police were called yet the “case” remained unsolved!

After seeing that a certain someone, Michael Van Dorn, commented on a previous post that he went by my house and took photos, I may have solved a cold case.

Evie Fuson, Diane Miller-Magnani and other classmates what do you think?!! Plus he did change his name.

This really happened but I’m joking about accusing Michael. It’s simply payback.

Love you all, Gail.

A moral obligation…

October 12, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Obligation, a noun. an act or course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound; a duty or commitment.

I wanted to post something acknowledging that it is breast cancer awareness month. As a survivor of stage 3 triple-negative breast cancer, there isn’t a day that passes without my being reminded of that 2 years of treatment.

My husband says that I went through a living hell yet I don’t recall it that way. I recall my husband and children rising to the “occasion,” along with my son-in-law, and grandchildren. I remember all the nurses who became family to me. The front clerk at the hotel I stayed in inviting me to her baby shower. The whole Hatteras community loving me through it.

When treatment was finished I swore to myself that I would have nothing to do with cancer in any way. Put my head in the sand and move on. I tried. Yet the feeling of “obligation” took over.

I knew that I had a moral obligation to assist those with cancer by prayer, sharing, talking. It is no longer an obligation, it is an honor. We are a forever community in the world of chemo, baldness, loss.

I have been crazy lucky to be alive and writing this.

If you are living through cancer treatment now and need support please reach out to me. You are not alone, you are a part of something loving.
Love you all, Gail.

And no, my info is not in the cloud-whatever that is…

October 1, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

See this lovely igloo-insulated cooler?

So very useful until one (me) puts her cellphone in the side slot.

Then, she proceeds to turn it upside down on the Tar River while fishing to get rid of the ice and shook it several times to get ALL the ice out.

Yup, bye-bye expensive phone containing my life in contacts and photos.

I now have a new phone which currently has no contacts Please message your phone numbers and maybe a photo of yourself!

And no, my info is not in the cloud-whatever that is.

Love you all, Gail

While I was super determined to get the surgery and be a good patient…

September  22, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

The hospital where I was to have my knee surgery on October 5th currently has 520 patients and 439 beds. The majority of the patients have covid. I really can’t imagine getting covid while recovering from total knee replacement.

While I was super determined to get the surgery and be a good patient, I have rescheduled it for January 2022. I am hoping that things will improve in the world of covid by then and that Alan will also be able to be in the hospital overnight with me. My surgeon is 100% on board with my decision.

So all that I have to do is deal with the pain until then!

Love you all, Gail.

Gone Fishing…

September  7, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

I just could not stay home and miss a possible grand day of fishing. I’m certain that my orthopedic Dr. and my PT therapist will frown on this adventure, but I needed to ignore all neck pain and have a little fun.

The first time at the Hickory Hill boat ramp on Falls Lake. We literally had this huge lake to ourselves.

Came home to dinner made by Kelsey and a zoom meeting with my 2 favorite people Diane Miller-Magnani and Evie Fuson.

Now some pain relief and hopefully a sweet sleep.

Love you all, Gail

“This is the day that the Lord has made”…

September  5, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

“This is the day that the Lord has made.”  I said that to Alan upon waking, and what a wonderful day it was.

The service at St. Elizabeth’s UMC was so good! How I was able to relocate to within 15 minutes of a small, white church full of peeps my age with a female pastor is a mystery.

Next, photographer Kelsey and I went to a new place:

Clemmons Educational State Forest-20 minutes away! Kelsey deemed it her new favorite hiking spot. Miles and miles of trails and forest.

Here are a few glimpses of my day.

I love you all, Gail

“my stuck mindset on aging”…

August 22, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

I believe that I need a transformation of my mind. This sentence just presented itself this morning. Interesting, because when I googled that sentence to see if I should write “of my mind” or “in my mind” this showed up:
Romans 12:2 (NIV)

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Ok, Lord, I hear you–I’ll check it out later!

What I am referring to is my stuck mindset on aging. Since turning 67 all I see is how the world reacts to this, me, aging woman, and I don’t like it. I have the feeling of creeping invisibility. Instead of feeling that people are being kind, it feels patronizing to me.

When dressing for an event I say to myself it doesn’t really matter, no one is noticing anyway (ugh.) Affection shown to me shows up as being pet on the head like a puppy! While I really don’t fear death I have fear of my husband dying-will I know enough to do it all?

The other day I was outside working on the yard when a 20 something suggested that it might be too much for me. Why I wondered did she say that? Maybe because it was 95 degrees and not that she found me old! See what I mean? I need a mental transformation.

I want to believe that society sees me as capable, fit, smart. In order to achieve that I need to see myself that way.

So I’m going to do that–now for that passage in Romans.

Friend…

June 15, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

FRIEND: a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.

The above is the dictionary definition, which I feel is inadequate in describing what I feel for these people below. Yes, there is sincere affection that I feel for Evie, Diane, Kelsey, and Alan.

Yet it is so much bigger than that.

There is trust, humor, understanding, truly caring about the other’s well-being, and the desire to help them know peace.

My best friends are Evie Fuson and Diane Miller-Magnani whom I’ve known almost my whole life. We know each other in a non-judgemental way. This last week they spent, and met, my family for the first time for a week.

Alan cooked vegan, Kelsey taught us so many things including where to find the best ice cream. Diane took all our money in poker and Evie schooled us about plants…   and, then there was kayaking — well, you can see the outcome.

Fun, acceptance-friendship.

I want this for all of you. I pray that you all have someone that loves you as I love them.

Except for the cooking part…

April 13, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

So, I’m in the noom program and have lost 14 lbs. I am enjoying the readings.. now up to the mental part. My coach encouraged me to do things totally out of my usual routine and pick 3 words to describe the experience.

So I tried cooking… after words were, frustration, not for me, I suck.

Next was buying, planting, and caring for flowers. Afterwords were joy, fun, and beauty.

Finally came taking photos. One, the barn, is Kelsey’s. Using Snapfish I had my favorite ones made into tiles to decorate the house with.

Afterwords were, accomplishment, better than I imagined, and yes!

I invite you all to do something out of your comfort zone. It left me feeling very energized and proud. Except for the cooking part.

Love you all. Gail

A little story that I’m still smiling about…

April 9, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

This is not negative about Walmart, their food delivery has been good.

However, last week they never delivered a large order to us-no call-nothing. I waited 2 hours then went to bed. The next day I called-they promised expedited delivery-again nothing.

One more round of messaging and calling-nothing! I didn’t want to cancel because I didn’t want to do the whole order over-I find it exhausting.

Finally, I spoke to a super sweet, hard to understand lady, MI, who kept me on the phone with the store and I felt confident that I would get the whole order, which I did.

In my usual fashion, I asked for some sort of compensation for my aggravation. Oh yes, Mrs. McNutt-you do deserve one. I will email you what I get credited. I thanked her and put away the groceries.

Later that night I saw an email from Mi with what was credited off of my $200+ order.

$5.00 was credited! I’m still laughing.
Love you all, Gail

I thought they were vultures…

April 7, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Strange day on the boat at Buckhorn Lake.

So cold in the am then blazing hot and so much pollen.

Good fishing and totally creeped out by all these birds that kept moving along with us.  I thought they were vultures, happy to learn that they were water birds!

Living my best life.

Today was that day…

March 25, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Exuberance. “The quality of being full of energy, excitement, and cheerfulness.”

Today was that day. I was tired of myself. Sweatpants, baggy tee-shirts, lackluster.

I haven’t been able to drive my own car as the inspection expired months ago and I didn’t want to risk covid to get it handled. I needed it inspected, a safety recall attended to, an oil change, etc.

I got up, showered, fluffed up my hair, put on tailored slacks, a fitted blouse, real shoes, and earrings. I basically had to reinvent the holes in my ears from lack of use.

Next, I drove 30 miles to the Honda dealer and interacted with humans in masks. Car all better I meandered home, went the long way.

Then exuberance hit me! Windows opened, Bob Dylan CD playing, all dressed up, driving through neighborhoods. Stopped for gas, spoke to more people-random conversations-random people.

It’s a start back. I felt like a teenager when they first get their license. I felt like a young thing, I felt exuberant.

Love you all, Gail

My concept of romantic…

February 26, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Fishing at Wiggins was so beautiful yesterday. When we started out it was a balmy 46 degrees as opposed to 29!

After fishing for several hours without even a bite, my mind started to wander. It settled on the subject of romance. A family member mentioned plans for an out-of-town dinner followed by a hotel stay and then brunch. How romantic I thought. So what is romantic for me?

Alan and I had just anchored the canoe and ate our “bag” lunch in a sunny spot, not too windy. I realized that was my concept of romantic. Not probably for most-but for me.

I later asked Alan what he considered romantic. He said, “my truck parked in a wooded area, sitting with you on the tailgate, drinking beer.

He may have then added-you, not asking me probing questions while fishing.
How romantic.
Love you all, Gail

I’ll pray for her…

February 24, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Yesterday I told a friend of mine that I would pray for her daughter regarding certain college decisions. I said, “I’ll pray for her,” automatically-maybe similar to, I love you, I love you too.

Last night as I did pray I wondered how many times I said or wrote on FB that I would pray for a situation or a friend and I didn’t. Do those words sometimes serve as a comfort for someone to hear or a real promise?

I haven’t chosen what to focus on during Lent. In the past, it may have been to stop cursing or no sweets-etc.

This Lent it will be to honor my words regarding pray. I promise to mean the words, “‘ll pray for you” in earnest and true sincerity.

Love you all, Gail

Poems That Touch the Heart…

February 14, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

30 years ago on Valentine’s Day Alan gave me a book of poems called “Poems That Touch the Heart.” I have read that book hundreds of times, each time discovering something new.

Today he gifted me my 2nd book of poems called “Mary Oliver Devotions.”

This first poem really spoke to me. Maybe because today is Sunday and I’m missing church and hearing scripture spoken by Pastor Toni. I just love the 1st line.

“I Wake Close To Morning”
Why do people keep asking to see
God’s identity papers
when the darkness opening into morning
is more than enough?
Certainly, any god might turn away in disgust.
Think of Sheba approaching
the kingdom of Solomon.
Do you think she had to ask,
“Is this the place?”

Love you all, Gail

Best side effect that I felt is hope and dreaming good dreams…

February 13, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

It’s been 30 hours since receiving my 2nd dose of Pfizer. The side effects have been rough, fever, exhaustion, chills, and headache.

But these will pass. The best side effect that I felt is hope and dreaming good dreams.

Hope that I will be in Florida in May when McNutt baby #4 is born. Dreams of my friends coming to visit, that I will travel to Denver to hug my son and daughter-in-law. An immediate trip to Virginia to have a sleepover at Megan and Kerry’s and smother my grandsons with love.

Oh, the thought of seeing my mother-in-law after a year, magical. I remember deciding to embrace chemo as a healer of my cancer.

So, I thank Pfizer for restoring my hope. Now, where is the Tylenol?

Love you all, Gail

Another adventure on the books…

February 6, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Yesterday was another adventure on the books. Alan decided that we should take the canoe and drive several hours south.

We wound up at Sutton Lake boat ramp. When we pulled off the highway we had to travel on rock roads, then a few miles around a huge energy plant surrounded by barbed wire and serious privacy signs.

When we got out of our car the smell of what seemed like Sulphur was so extreme that we had to wear masks. I wanted to leave.

Alan was so excited to find a secluded as in no people-warmer fishing spot. The lake was beautiful. The lake water we left was 42 degrees. This lake averaged 70 and no wind.

However, we now cannot blame the cold air, or the cold water nor the wind. Because even here we caught zero fish.

Waiting for Spring–love you all, Gail

I am approaching the age…

February 4, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

I am approaching the age at which my mother died, 68. I remember thinking that she was very old, yet here I am, not feeling old at all. I wonder what my children would say about that?

The other day I watched as Alan explained to Kelsey how to put air in her tires. That begin my ruminating about preparedness. As parents, we work diligently at preparing our kids to “go out into the world.”

In addition to teaching about God, kindness, honesty, etc, we also focus on practical things. How to manage a bank account, taxes, resumes, car maintenance, cooking, mailing a document, so many skills. But have we prepared our spouses in the practical areas should one of us pass away?

In my personal arena that might include knowing all the passwords, filing taxes, the bank book and register, address book, everything about our dog, bills paid, and outstanding-all the insurances. The flipside might be how to get a car inspected, maintaining a garden, cooking vegan, taking a fish off the line, how to drive a boat, fixing everything and all things.

I realize that we are all smart people and with youtube the information is available. Yet wouldn’t it be calming to know all those things now and share responsibilities?

I have a few friends who recently lost their husbands who struggle with running a home or even driving in the snow.   I believe this post sounds a bit morbid, I apologize. I just want all of us to be able to “go out into the world” with full knowledge of all things.

Alan and I are going fishing on Thursday and should I actually catch a fish I will take it off the line unassisted!

Love you all, Gail

This girl prefers sand…

January 4, 2021.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

I find that when a feeling/thought stays with me it helps to write, usually to myself. I wanted to share this with anyone who has felt this way.
Hatteras Homesickness:

Aging has a way of changing one in areas not always desirable. As my husband Alan and I reached past the mid-60s mark many things became front and center such as finances, health, conveniences, and family. We envisioned a long life for which, thanks to cancer costs, we were not financially sound. Aging also brings on an acute desire to be closer to family, doctors and as our daughter, Kelsey says civilization.

So, we put our beloved home, created and built by Alan, on the market. We knew that it would take a certain buyer as it wasn’t built as a rental and our privately owned street was in disrepair. Advised that it may take in excess of a year, we went about our current wonderful lives with the church, bible study, fishing, and work.
Soon after came the pandemic, racial unrest, and the sale of our house just like that. How does one pack, find a new home, and move within the constraints of a pandemic?

You do it yourselves-2 old people and a tiny little 20-year-old daughter who proved to acquire superwoman strength overnight. Almost at the last possible moment, we found a wonderful rental home in Garner, NC, and moved in late June.

When we were first foster parents 20 years ago, we learned the term “newlywed stage.” The beginning of a foster placement where everything appeared just perfect. The three of us experienced this phenomenon in Garner. We had a mailbox at our house! Curbside recycling. Good roads that didn’t flood, a close airport and very near UNC cancer center. So many places to hike and fish. WOW!

Then, after a few months, my personal sense of homesickness crept in. Yes, a mailbox but no Dana or Teresa to chat with. An airport-but some of my favorite times were after picking up someone from Norfolk and enjoying them all to myself for three hours. A broad selection of doctors but no Dr. Fountain.

My Hatteras friends and I have remained close and for that, I am so blessed. When Hatteras homesickness really and truly banged me on the head was when my dear friend Linda O’Neal’s husband Ervin Lee passed away. I was virtually attending his funeral and listening to the sermon. The pastor was speaking of the people of Hatteras-their loyalty, toughness, kindness, and charity. That’s it I thought. What I love, miss, and crave. All that. What I was so lucky to be a part of for so long. If I lived alone and the only decision was mine, I would go right back.

Back to Little Grove United Methodist Church, to bible study and community bake sales and all those things. I now realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. And, this girl prefers sand.

Sometimes there are perfect days….

December 30, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Sometimes there are perfect days. Early morning hike at the Neuse River with photographer Kelsey. She received new camera filters from Megan and Kerry Wilt for Christmas and wanted to experiment–here are those experiments below!

Then home to make a big pot of stew for Kelsey while listening to Van Morrison on my new record player from Lindsey and Josh McNutt.

Next is reading my book from Diane Magnani while having my bad mean knee wrapped in a new frozen knee wrap from Evie Fuson.

See what I mean? Perfect.

Nature, family, food, music, and no pain.
Thank you, Lord.

Holds up to 450 pounds…

December 20, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Here is another story of embarrassment followed by humor which may not appeal to all readers. The bathroom next to our master bedroom in our rental house has a ridiculously low toilet, almost toddler size. My bad and painful knee makes this toilet situation a challenge. A friend recommended a hard plastic 4-inch creation that sits atop the toilet-not with old person bars -just a simple height addition. I ordered from Amazon.

As you all know, Amazon items come in brown boxes with Amazon labels and tape-without the contents showcased. Not this time! Left at the end of my driveway (I live on a cul-de-sac,) for all to see, a big white box with many photos of toilets as well as the narratives:

Holds up to 450 pounds
Adds comfort to any toilet
Fits all toilet sizes
Non-returnable or refundable
Easy to clean

Well now the neighbors know me better. Very funny Amazon. I am now a queen upon her throne.
Love you all

We all have phobias…

December 20, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

We all have phobias — I know that I have mine. Kelsey’s is/was math due to an earlier trauma in math class. In order to get into college, she needed to pass the math placement test-she didn’t. She barely knew her multiplication tables.

What followed was the need to receive an 80 or above in 4 math DMA classes. It took a torturous year to do so.

Fast forward to Quantitative Literacy-math that included slopes, logarithms, probability, and statistics. Last night was her 3-hour final. Alan and I hid-the one time we looked at her she was shaking. Kelsey’s teacher emailed her this AM.

After reviewing her final and giving her 3 additional points for extra credit, she earned a 93 on the exam. Therefore a strong B for the course. Below is a photo of all her notes. There is a scheduled bonfire in Garner tonight.

I love art….

November 15, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

I love art. Especially original paintings where I have a connection to those that created it. Each one is a story, an emotion, a meaning.

This 1st of dragonflies is done by Carolyn Schena. My dear friend, who passed away from cancer. Dragonflies were her cancer-fighting theme. I was able to purchase this recently from her husband.

The girl in the chair with her eyes closed was created by an amazing artist Lisa Bartell. I love her art so much and feel it so deeply. She experienced trauma similar to Kelsey’s and works it out through art….all “above the noise. “Please look her up!

The 3rd was my first piece of art. It was in an art gallery that I passed by every day. I was a single mom at the time and it was over my budget. One day I went in and asked the artist if we could barter for accounting! She agreed. I often sit in silence and always need a blanket on my lap regardless of the room temperature.

Oh, this 4th one! It is named oxytocin (which is a chemical that promotes social bonding.) I purchased it from a schizophrenic in Austin, Texas. She was a participant at an indoor art show where all the artists were street people. Evie Fuson and Diane Miller Magnani also made purchases. It remains one of my most memorable and humbling experiences.

The last painting is also created by Lisa Bartell and was purchased by Kelsey McNutt. Kelsey was able to receive a discount as she wrote a poem corresponding to the painting. The wood piece under the painting is Kelsey’s creation. It has been in an art museum for a year and finally returned to her. It was featured in an art magazine.

I just wanted to share a happy post, full of all things pure. Do you have a favorite?  Love you all.

Well, I’m fat again…

November 12, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Well, I’m fat again. Alan has been making these amazing vegan meals such as Ziti, lasagna, and pizza. Too good and too much pasta.

Plus I’ve been baking almost every other day. I thought that fishing, kayaking, and walking a mile each day would counteract it! Of the 20 I lost, 7 have reappeared. Time to up my game. Now, 2 miles a d

ay. So I dragged Kelsey and her camera and explored the hiking trails at Lake Wheeler. It was magical and not a person to be found. So as not to get lost we walked the waterline. Feeling good, feeling powerful, and determined!

Here is a pic of the beauty that’s one fast walker.

Today was one for the memory books…

November 9, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Today was one for the memory books. Alan said last night that he looked on google earth and found a potential fishing spot for us ” off the beaten trail” that looks interesting but may be a bit dicey.

So this AM we left at 6:00 for a part of Wiggins Mill Reservoir that “may” have a spot to launch our canoe. We drove for an hour then all of a sudden he pulls off a main road onto the shoulder and there it is (see covered up sign pic below.)

We dragged the canoe and everything else down a gravel opening to the water. He then passes me his hand-drawn map (see pic #2 below) for me to memorize because he read that it is very easy to get lost.

The reservoir is huge, inlets and coves and very creepy yet stunning. We fished for hours and caught tons of fish. Then big black clouds came out and it started to rain-no problem just let’s head back.

Nope – we got lost for a very long time and a bit of panic started because we were very lost and becoming even more so. We were actually considering calling someone-but who? Kelsey, the police the coast guard?

How embarrassing but not any more so than dying from lighting. Then we spotted 2 men on a boat. Yes, they helped us-they had been fishing in this area for 40 years and have been as lost as we were more than once. Even with their shouted directions, we continued down the maze of lost until they gave up and escorted us to our truck.

Megan says that God gives you warnings-then you need to listen. This whispering was don’t rely on my sense of direction and ability to decipher Alan’s maps.

Thank you, God for again protecting your foolish aging children.

If fostering has ever entered your thoughts.

October 28, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

This post is a bit long (surprise) and has a curse word.

My first foster child and Kelsey’s brother turned 18 in December and left for the military today. This left me in tears as I’m his “grandma Gail” and he has my heart.

Last night after I had my private cry fest I started to recap all the foster children that stayed with us. That review led me to recount a story that makes me laugh even to this day.

We had the care of biracial baby S who was chubby and had a huge head of black hair. Alan wanted badly to adopt her but that wasn’t an option-he loved that baby. One time I had to leave for a week for work and Alan was responsible to take her to social services for a visit with her Momma. The night before he bathed her, washed her hair, towel-dried her hair, and put her to bed.

Around 4 am he got up to give her a bottle-lifted her up and declared, Holy shit S, we are in some kind of trouble. Her hair was completely flattened on one side with an independent block of hair like an afro. He could not fix her hair.

Later he got her up, dressed her beautifully, and took her to social services. As soon as her social worker saw her she freaked-really freaked at Alan. His response was, she is happy, clean, and safe–I’m not a hairdresser. I’ll pick her up in 3 hours. Love that man. I’m sure all the ladies gathered together and got baby S looking good.

Foster care opened up my heart and at times broke my heart. When Kelsey and I asked Alan if we could foster again he replied, no-I have no more love to give. And we understood.

If fostering has ever entered your thoughts, please consider it because when you’re older you can sit and remember and pray for all those that entered your home and heart.

Love you all

When on a boat never hold on to an object that moves when trying to steady yourself.

September 29, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

I have recently realized that throughout my marriage my husband has done 90% of the cooking and all of the home repairs. Upon moving I made it my goal to rectify that situation by following Alan around to “learn” what he knows. So after 2 1/2 months I now know the following:

1. When you have to fill up the gas containers for the boat or lawnmower-you MUST use ethanol gas-NOT unleaded.

2. Allen wrenches are not wrenches owned by Alan but ones that anyone can own.

3. A self-cleaning oven does NOT mean one that I, myself, have to clean it.

4. Not all cooking needs to be done on high. That is usually just a STARTING position.

5. When on a boat never hold on to an object that moves when trying to steady yourself.

6. If you have a dolly and straps you can move anything.

That’s it for now but I will say that home repair is exhausting and rewarding.
Love you all

My mother is so with me tonight, all the loving thoughts of her.

September 26, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

3:40 am. I read recently that one reaches an age where you stop looking ahead and start looking back. I guess that tonight is that time for me. My mother is so with me tonight, all the loving thoughts of her.

I think it started while fishing at Buckhorn Lake in the freezing rain for hours in shorts and a tee-shirt. In the middle of actually catching bass, I stopped to eat my lunch.

I had it in a little insulated lunch bag like a school kid. I had a cream cheese and jelly sandwich–the same lunch that I took almost every single day during high school because I was too embarrassed to accept free lunch.

For my dessert I had graham crackers-a staple in growing up. So as you can see I was surrounded by thoughts of my mom–going back.

When I pass what will remind my kids of me? What food or activity or trait of mine will keep them up at night? See, now I’m thinking ahead.

I hope that I have many years to be the mom that makes them miss me as I miss mine tonight.

Love you all

If you need to talk, cry or vent I’m available.

August 16, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Maybe it’s a result of listening to Pastor Toni Wood’s video preach or my long walk in the rain with Cody, but I am very introspective today regarding relationships.

We moved on July 1 to a development. What I mean by that is house after house without large distances between them. It is one of very nice well-maintained houses with fairly expensive SUV type vehicles in the driveways. Lots of American flags and manicured lawns.

Yet I hear the pain, mostly from my front porch and often at night – maybe after the kids are supposed to be asleep. Last night was a screaming wife, sounds from inside her home. Last week it was a wife whom a husband locked out of their home.

I sort of understand. These families are now together 24/7-many work from home. I almost never see the kids outside, not even for an evening walk. The cars are always there. Where is the release from frustration, fear, and plain boredom?

I so want to help, mostly the children, yet due to COVID I can’t risk it. So I’m asking you all to call your friends, send them a note, order a family game online to be delivered to them., but mostly pray for them.

I thank you and if you need to talk, cry or vent I’m available.

Love you all

I do the stupidest things!

August 1, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

So I am not a stupid girl-strong grades, IQ and educated..but man I do the stupidest things-or at this point may be called Gail-isms. 2 examples over the last 2 days.

We have always had a rider mower-Dorian took that-so then we hired Stowe to cut the grass. Came to Garner-bought a regular lawnmower that Alan has used now 3 times.

Yesterday I decided to mow this difficult lawn with its hills and drainage areas. I thought I would die, but I didn’t want to give up. I was literally shaking when done-how did he make it look so effortless?

I shared with Alan my struggles with pushing that thing only to find out that there is a lever to push that propels the lawnmower. Who knew? Alan did.

Megan gave us 2 beautiful outside rocking chairs that needed to be sanded and painted. I never did that. Alan took a big sponge, wrapped a rag around it then sandpaper around that and gave me a demo. Then put all the items down for when I wanted to take over.

1 hour after working on rocker #1 Alan came up to me clearly trying not to laugh. He said-great effort but you forgot to use the sandpaper-here you go.

Seriously, I should just stay within my comfort zone of books and accounting.

Love you all

I’m cheating on a house!

July 29, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Just about 1 month in what Robert Durr (Bob) referred to as our new digs.

I have never cheated on a man but I feel as though I’m cheating on a house. Our home in Frisco was built by my husband. Jack Willis who just passed away taught Alan how to do the crown molding. Mike Krawchuk who also just passed did the roof and Buddy Johnson our next-door neighbor did the tile work.

We loved our foster children that passed through its doors. Kelsey fought and conquered demons and won there. I fought and conquered cancer to the same end. Birthdays and holidays celebrated with our kids and grandkids.

I was thinking about what makes Hatteras people so amazing is their sincerity and openness to express love.

So the cheating part is that I love our new place. I love the cleansing of “things.” The fun of our joint decorating with an artist who loves color and a husband who thinks that light brown is exciting. The thrill of a new washer and dryer. The feeling of being a newlywed at 66.

Yet the house was really just a house-a building. The memories are rock solid only to be added to from Garner.

Much love to you all

Heading-up a think-tank!

July 19, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

You know when an idea, or a request by someone, makes your heart sing? Of course, we all know when it doesn’t and we say yes anyway-regret.

Well, recently I was watching season 40 of Survivor. On it, a player was talking about his successful cancer battle and how he felt that the year after beating cancer was harder both physically and mentally than actual cancer was. Yes! I’m with you on that, buddy I yelled.

A few days later I had an hour-long appointment with my UNC oncologist and we got to talking about that. I felt, I told her, that UNC did not really address that during treatment nor did I see anything in their resource center. She agreed to say that she has heard that from others.

She asked if I would be willing, after the pandemic is over, to head up a sort of think tank with her at UNC to map out how to address this need! This is a dream for me. I haven’t been able to think of much else, so excited.

Thank you for “listening”

Much love to you all

This island has humbled me, cured me, and inspired me.

July 1, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

When I was 18 I got a full scholarship to a great college to pursue a degree in physical education. I left home with $50 borrowed from my grandmother. But that school wasn’t for me and the homesickness was invasive. I would listen to a grateful dead song with the lyrics” the first days are the hardest days ” over and over.

Now I am leaving my beloved Hatteras with that same emotion in my gut. To distract myself I hit the CD button and on comes, Bob Dylan’s “Tangled up in blues.” Yup

For all of you that I have played with, worked with, and prayed with I thank you.

Thank you Sylvia Mattingly for organizing the “buy Gail a bicycle, basket, and bell!” I get to read the cards from all of you who contributed 1 by 1 as I travel to Garner NC.

This island has humbled me, cured me, and inspired me.   I’ll see you when I see you.

Mom’s photo albums

June 19, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

When I was packing I came upon 3 of my Mom’s photo albums, only there weren’t any photos. Just greeting cards that my brother, George Heinsohn, and I and her grandchildren sent her over the years. My brother, it appeared, sent really big cards. I went for the verse.

Then a few days later I packed a big basket of mine that held every single card sent to me during cancer treatment. Hmm, maybe saving cards is an old woman’s thing.

Today in helping Kelsey pack her room there was a fancy box that contained over 100 birthday cards that you all sent her for her 16th birthday.

So I guess it’s not an age thing but one of appreciation and sentimentality.
Much love

I finally found a way to sleep past 3 am…

June 7, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

I finally found a way to sleep past 3 am…just pack for 9 hours straight.

Then go rest your eyes after dinner and wake up the next morning at 6! I had a very detailed dream where I was walking with an unleashed dog..not Cody..a smaller well trained dog.

When I turned around he was missing. Next, I saw a large bear running after him as all these heaps of plastic began to bury me. One doesn’t need to be Freud to analyze this dream. I’m concerned about the new house not having a fenced yard. Not sure about the bear..maybe danger?

The plastic is clearly all these plastic totes filled with our lifetime memories. I’m going to finish my coffee and start again…

I’m curious about my next dream. Maybe a U Haul filled with chocolate labs.
Much love

My 1st 11 chapter titles…

May 25, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

My son is a playwright in Denver. My eldest daughter taught high school A/P English. My MIL has her masters in English and my youngest daughter is an artist. One would think with all of those credentials that I would have enough help to write my book.

Well 1st I need to write it then the review happens! My son did strongly suggest that I map out how long I want the book, the chapters and their names. So here are my 1st 11 chapter titles in random order.

Psycho 2.0
The Beekeeper.
Warm coffee, cold blankets
Fishing 64
Boy clothes
The recovery room
The Hatteras Underground.
WW & AA
Island Cooks.
The aftershock
The church search

Thoughts dear audience?

You see someone eating ice cream…

May 11, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

Have you ever been on a diet and you see someone eating ice cream but you refrain? Then the next day you eat an entire gallon having felt deprived?

A similar situation is shown in this picture. Nearly every Mother’s Day I manage to spend it with Megan. And that day and Megan always equals mimosas.

This Mother’s Day, no Megan and no mimosas.

Early this morning Alan and I went fully covered to Food Lion to continue to stock up like Doomsday preppers-or rather- before the island fully opens. We never buy alcohol unless our kids are coming. But that old feeling of deprivation swept over me. Thus cutie pie champagnes and orange juice. Alan must have been feeling similar as he bought a six-pack.

Astor’s pet horse…

May 1, 2020.

By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

My mother had many expressions, some of which baffled me, such as “you look like Astor’s pet horse.”

But yesterday something she once said to me resonated to the max. She was of the opinion that if you felt down, depressed, etc you should really enjoy it-give into it for 24 hours.

So I took her advice. I woke up sad. I didn’t want to take another walk, clean another closet, watch another show. No, Alan, I don’t want to play chess or look at potential houses for us in Youngsville.no-no-no.So I sulked, ate a lot of graham crackers, napped, turned off my phone.

I isolated myself within my isolation. I starred in the mirror at my ridiculous hair and stayed in my PJS. Around 11pm with Alan sleeping I went into Kelsey’s room and asked for a hug.

Now Kelsey is not a hugger but when she hugs it’s like, well, the best. So she did and I told the poor child everything on my mind. She listened, I felt better. When I left she called out-“Momma, I’m always here to listen.”

Today is a new beautiful day. My funk is gone, the birds are singing. My 24 hours are over!

The sad saga of the hair…

April 26, 2020.  By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

I call this story the “sad saga of the hair.” So during chemo I lost every bit of hair as well as other crucial body parts which tend to define a woman.

Yet I was mostly okay with all that because my focus was on surviving. A year or so later my hair came in the best ever! Thick, wavy and shiny! Enter mid-March 2020 and things changed. I started losing my hair in clumps-especially the back. I didn’t cry over hair loss during chemo but I am now. I thought pandemic stress?

Other weirdnesses began and bloodwork was ordered which indicated that I have low thyroid function, called hypothyroidism. I am now on medication.I’m thinking positively that it doesn’t all fall out-but I do still have my scarfs.

After all this time I finally learned how to spell mastectomy and now I’m presented with hypothyroidism. But as we always say in this home-at least it’s not cancer.

Love all round

The gift of a loving relationship…

April 25, 2020.  By Gail (Heinsohn) McNutt, Class of 1972.

The story of my brother Mitch. Okay, half brother-same father. I have always disliked the terms half or step as in stepchildren, etc. It seems to diminish the value they have to me which is huge.

So back to Mitch, who died recently at 55. Through 24 and me and the fact that my first cousins and Mitch belonged, I was introduced to him a few years ago.

Our first telephone call lasted a long time. Since then I have met him in NY, corresponded with him and we kept up with each other via the phone. When I met him it was like my heart sang-immediate love and recognition. Such a God thing.

Our Dad. My Dad fell in love with Mary-Mitch’s mom. They moved in together..years passed, Mary became pregnant. My Dad thought that she was leaving to get an abortion–we never saw or heard from her again-even to this day. Instead, she had Mitch and gave him up for adoption for a large sum of money.

Ironically Mitch is very German looking and very tall. He was adopted by a Jewish couple and raised Jewish. He told me that he always felt as though he looked like an SS officer in the films he would see with his parents. Short version, he left home at 17 was in a pretty popular band and life moved on.

So if and when via Ancestry.com or other sites, you find yourself in strange territory-open your hearts. There may be love around the corner. When you see photos of him you may think he looks a bit rough! But he had a sweet heart for me, his sister.
Much love